Hands and house

Hands and house

Friday, May 22, 2015

China Feels So Far Away....

My Little Boy,

    Oh how I ache to hold you.

 My mind presses with questions unanswered.

 What I wouldn't give to hear your laughter fill a room, to lock eyes, hold your face in my hands.

    What I wouldn't give to watch you sleeping.

Today we heard that the orphanage took you to the hospital to run tests for us...

a hospital that could not run even the most basic cardiac test.

They will take you again next week to a different hospital,

in hopes of capturing the function of your beautiful heart.

Mine feels shattered at the idea of you going without me,

I cannot protect you,

what do you feel going back into those sterile doors?

What have you seen and experienced within hospital walls.

2 months you spent at a hospital,

pneumonia, open heart surgery.

2 months a mystery to us.

2 months of mustering courage beyond your years.

My little boy,

what I wouldn't give to be the one,

to hold you,

to whisper in your ear,

to wipe your tears.

So I will lay my empty arms before the Lord,

wet my prayers with tears

and again surrender to the One 

who was there,

who is there now,

whose arms hold you,

who whispers to us both

"Be still and know that I am God"

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Bring Him Home...

Tonight China feels so very far away.
It is morning in China and my little boy has probably just woken up.
My arms ache to hold him,
to feel the weight of him in my arms,
to hear what his voice sounds like
and hold his face in my hands.
Tonight fear feels dark and lurking
 it could consume me if I turned and gave it any voice.
The 'what-ifs' feel so big...
yet at the same time out my window,
sunshine streams down through pouring rain
and I beg that the Lord would pour down over us,
over my boy,
over me....
and I remember the miracle,
this ache is a gift,
it rings of God's invitation,
His answer to my plea
to be poured out.
The gift of anticipation
 I get to cherish another soul,
 hold another life in my heart.
Even the waiting is a gift,
allowing my heart to bend and ache,
laying it before the One who will chisel it further...
one life halfway around the world
already changing mine...
a miracle.
Every good and perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of heavenly lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift...
and I bend low
in surrender.
Lord mold me,
bend me,
chisel me,
prepare me for this...
this glorious honor of a gift.
Then I put on this song...
 given to me by a dear friend.
When we first decided to adopt Zeke
I emailed this friend.
Late that night she wrote,
she had spent time in prayer over our son.
As soon as she stopped praying this song came on

and I am reminded of just how near are the arms that are holding us both...

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Zeke's Heart

      Our little boy's heart is strong and brave,

from his eyes you can tell that it is full of joy.

They say he is shy and loves to cuddle,

that he likes cars and to play games.


His presence is absolutely captivating.

We are praying that God protects his heart,

keeps it tender,

speaks His great love into it.

That he would know that he is precious,

that he is loved
 and that we are doing everything we can to get to him.

What we know about his physical heart is honestly

very little.

His file contains two sentences about his heart.

No echo,

No ekg,

No surgical report.

What we know is that he was left VERY tiny on the side of the road,

not a busy road,

in the mountains,

in winter.

He is a miracle,

and it is beyond an honor that God has called us to be his parents.

We know that he has been diagnosed with the same heart condition as Georgia.

His file says that he was very sick and had a

"radical open heart surgery"

very young,

all by himself.

He was in the hospital for 2 months...

we do not know if anyone was with him,

if he was held,


if anyone looked into his eyes.

We do not know what they did during surgery or how his heart is doing now.

We know that God was there and we pray that somehow we can find out more of the pieces of his beautiful story....

So we are embracing a lots of question marks.

Georgia's Cardiologist reviewed the file and said,

"If you know he is your son, do everything you can to get him here and we will do all we can with whatever we find!"

and so we pray,

we step out,

we wrestle with fear,

we weep for how brave our son has had be

and most of all we bend low in thanksgiving...

that we get to be the arms that hold this miracle,

that our hearts get to grow bigger,

that somehow, in all of our frail humanity

God chose us to embrace this precious,

beyond brave,

miracle boy.

And that is where his name comes from,


it means,

"God will strengthen"

Our Zeke,

beyond loved,

worth fighting for,

worth every sacrifice,

an honor that surpasses understanding to behold,

our son.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.
John 14:18

If you are interested in joining Team Zeke you can learn more Here
 or buy a T Shirt Here

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Join Team Zeke!!!!!

We have the greatest friends!!!

They are coming out of the woodwork offering help to bring our little guy home...

These shirts designed by Stephanie at Fancy That Design House
The shirts say "Love moves mountains and crosses oceans"
and some simply say
"Bring Home Zeke"

and Erin at Happy Day Printing is making them!
Some people have congratulated us on raising all the funds for our adoption...
we still have quite a ways to go!
Our Pure Charity fundraiser helped us to pay for the homestudy and dossier fees.
(our children's true colors...)
All of the proceeds go towards our next payment which is travel to go and get him!!!!!!

(Good thing Zeke looks like he is up for adventure!!!)

He doesn't know what he is getting into yet...
pray for him!!!
Our kids are so excited!
I can't get them to take the shirts off :)
They want to take them to school and sell them to all their friends!
They just can't wait to have their little brother here.
I am blown away by their joy...
You can find the etsy shop Here
If you buy a shirt,
would you please take a picture and post it to the
facebook page?
That way we can print them out and he can see all of the people that helped bring him home!!!
The shirts are $15 for short sleeved
$20 for long sleeved
Adult and Kid sizing :)
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland
Isaiah 43:19

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

And Then They Wanted To Name Him...

    After we prayed trusting our new son to God's arms until he could be in ours Doug said, "Well, should we tell the kids?"

    We went in and said we had something to show them. On the laptop we pulled up bright eyed pictures that we had come to know by heart.

Through the "Ohhs" and "How cute!" Parker with eyes wide said, "Are we adopting him?"
Then he began to cry.

      "I wanted to adopt a brother my age, I wanted to adopt Carter (his best friend who has a loving family already)!"
...but what happened next is something I want to etch on my heart forever.
 He looked again at the picture and said, "Tell me his story."
 We read together the sparse story filled with grief and hope,
 baby left and then miraculously found,
 failing heart safe just in time all in the mountains deep in winter.
 Brave hearted baby boy.
        I looked at Parker.
As our eyes met, his filled with tears again and he earnestly said,
 "Mama I want to adopt him. I want him to be my brother."

       A motion caught my eye and I looked over to see Ravenna, pencil in hand, list half made saying, "Well....we need to name him then! and we need a bed and a carseat and clothes!"

   Georgia looked up, brown eyes beaming,
 "You mean I could have a baby brother? Can he sleep with me?
 Mama I want to hold his hand and sing him to sleep cause he might be a little bit scared."

  These children with hearts so beautiful, witnessing grief, embracing possibilities...
so ready to love.
How can I ever be thankful enough?
 I get to be their Mama, I get to follow the way their hearts say "yes."
 I get a front row seat to hearts unfolding with a love for God and for others in a way that is far beyond anything I could imagine.

   As Doug and I took a moment to revel in the glory of it all, the kids frantically whispered over Ravenna's list.
Then, as a group they confronted us and exclaimed,

   "We know what to name him....His name is Vomit! Vomit Allyn Miller!" 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Doors Thrown Open So Wide

      This adoption has been so different, like a glorious sunny day after a storm.
 We talked and prayed for a few days and just felt an overwhelming peace about bringing this little boy into our family
. Everything changed with seeing his picture and yet it just felt so calm and so right.
    On a blustery March day, Doug and I took a hike far above the Columbia River.
Standing there, raindrops beginning to fall I was looking out in the distance and praying
. Doug turned, asking, "What's on your mind?"
  "Well, what are we going to do about this little guy?"
  We chatted down the trail to the car, about diapers, preschool and toddler joys.
 "It just feels so right" crossed our lips with such ease.
 The normal list of fears, about another mouth to feed, another child to fit in, how old we would be...they just were not there.
 Only peace radiated deep, sweet.
 We parked back at home rain soaking down, Doug faced me,
 "I just keep thinking, 'why wouldn't we?' God is so clear about caring for orphans and he has placed him right in our path...why wouldn't we?"
     With tears on our cheeks we agreed, this little boy was our son.
 God had thrown the doors open so wide.
Foreheads together we wept and prayed for our son, our son, our little boy....

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Oh There You Are...

Oh how life can change in an instant!

A marker of before and after....never to be the same again.

There I was at the pool, jeans hiked up to my knees, feet in the water 'watching' Georgia in the kiddie pool...

A cacophony of splashes and shouts ricocheted off the walls...

liquid joy bespeckled with the grins of dripping children.

There I was, biding my time, soaking it in...

flipping through my phone.

Often I see them,

little faces of children waiting sent out with pleas for a family.

Each time my heart whispers to the Lord,

"Lord, I'm willing...bless them."

Each time, I send them on their way...

 praying for the arms of a family to surround them.

But this time....

everything stopped.

There you were staring back at me,

a part of my heart that I instantly knew I had been missing...

and I just couldn't look away.

Little boy,

eyes so wide.

Somehow everything about you was familiar,

the curve of your chin,
your button nose...

it was as if my soul said,

"Oh there you are! I've been waiting for you!"

and I just couldn't look away.

My soul whispered that everything had changed.

My fear said,

"Oh Lord, I'm willing but I can't face Doug...I just know he will say 'no' and I can't take it"

There, in the midst of the splashes, whistles and squeals...

a quiet voice spoke,

"I can do the impossible."

"Yes Lord, I know you can, but I am too weak...you will have to do the impossible without me."

weakness seeping in,

yet your face filling the very crevices of my soul.

Later that night...

There we sat,

wood lined restaurant,

all alone,

date night.

Talking, laughing and reveling in each other,

so thankful.

Halfway through the meal,

Doug turned to me and said,

"what has God been putting on your heart lately?"

I almost fell out of my chair!

I took a deep breath,

 pulled out the picture that I just couldn't let go...

and he said,

"Strangely, I'm very open to that!"

and we began to dream, and pray....

and watch every door open.

6 days later,

foreheads pressed together in prayer,

we said yes.

Yes to the adventure,

yes to the chaos,

yes to the unknown,

yes to the grief,

yes to the joy,

yes to our son being and orphan no more...


Related Posts with Thumbnails