Once Again....

"God my God, I cry out,
you beloved needs you now..."
Bebo Norman

Our bags are slowly filling up...slowly because honestly, i can only take thinking about what is to come in little bits.

Tears keep falling down...tears of our little girl as each morning she asks, "What day is it?" then drops her heads and says, "It's coming too fast."

I know in my head that we will get back here, back to our cozy home, back to our sweet community, back to healing, each day closer to running and jumping and being fully a child without the looming storm...

... but man, my heart is wrestling hard. The journey back to healing is rough. Miss Georgia is beyond amazing and she dug so deep last time...

and we all stood in awe.

Yet, there was also deep pain, deep fear...

and as we inch closer, the depth of her trauma is becoming clear.

That courage was hard won by a little girl who had so, so many pokes...each one surrounded by gut wrenching screams...

each one survived by me laying my whole body right on top of hers, my face squished on hers, her tears drenching us both.

Me saying, "I love you, I love you, I love you..."

Until the hard thing was done.

That courage was hard won by a little girl who had to let others move her body, check incisions, cause pain again and again...those smiles came after complete shut downs, no eye contact and doing anything we could to bring back her light.

...and my heart is breaking that I cannot protect her from all of it again.

I would anything to lay down on the surgical table instead of her.

...and she asks, "Why Mama? Why couldn't I have had only one hip that needed surgery?"

...and tears wash both of our faces.

the only thing I know,

is that we need Jesus to show up.

He promises to never leave us or forsake us.

Everything in my heart is crying out,

"Lord, this gap feels huge."

I don't know how to muster up the strength,

to get on that plane,

to walk through those halls.

So we wait.

Expectantly.

I list, out of discipline,

all of the miracles,

the times He has shown up...

2 years in an orphanage with no cardiac care,

He was there.

Emergency Open heart surgery against impossible statistics,

He was there.

4 heart catheterizations,

11 sedations,

1 major hip surgery,

He was there.

*

and I hold her,

and we list together,

how He has been faithful,

how He is strong,

all that He promises.

*

We fix our eyes

on the Author,

the Perfector

of our faith.

*

Broken,

tearful,

and oh so scared.

*

Yet expectant,

that He will be who He says He is...

He will carry us in the shelter,

of His wings.

*

He just has to show up...

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith."

Hebrews 12:1-2

Surgery is February 20th,

we sure would love your prayers.