Hands and house

Hands and house

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

In Moments Like These...

My sweet girls

   Last night was a crazy night at the Miller household! For some reason all three kids were up at seperate intervals (maybe dinner was too spicy???). Miss Georgia Mei was the one that kept me up the most. She was up multiple times and crying in a deep, heart-broken way. The only thing that would comfort her was if I scooped her up, blankets and all and cuddled with her one the couch. So we cuddled at 1am, 2am, 3am and again at 4.

   As I held her warm little body next to mine I felt like a slideshow of her life kept playing in my mind. In so many ways she just feels like home now. Like she has always been here, my little piggy-tailed shadow in sparkly red dress-up shoes. But last night I was reminded that not so long ago, she slept alone. What happened there when she would cry? Did anyone notice? Did anyone help? She is a child whose cries do not taper off. I am not kidding you, if her pillow is not "just right" her cries will build until, and only until if is fluffed to her satisfaction.
    It is night's like last night where I can almost feel the empty spot in her heart...the spot where she had to do without for two long years. I feel so helpless in those moments. What in the world can fill up those years of lack? So I held her and patted her back whispering over and over, "I love you, Daddy loves you, we are a family for always no matter what..." really anything that I could think of, over and over again. And as I spoke, I prayed...it may sound strange but I picture that empty spot and as I pray, I set it in God's hands and I ask Him to fill it up.
   I wish with all of my heart that my words and my love alone were enough to fill it, that my kisses and hugs would erase any pain and lack in her little life. But I know that I cannot go back and take that time away, so I place it in the hands of the One who has healed so many of my wounds even as I weep for those in my daughter.
   Finally at 4:30 when I once again laid her in her bed, she placed her chubby little hands on my cheeks and I rested my forehead on hers saying over and over again, "I love you, I love you, I love you"...and she closed her eyes and fell asleep.


Lauren said...

What a good mommy! I am sure your hugs and reassurances help to mend the past and build a beautiful bridge to the future! It must be heartbreaking though to imagine her with noone to comfort her at night.
I found you at the UBP and am so glad I did! I have one 5 yr old bio son ... my husband and I have been "in the process of adoption" for some time, but are at a cross roads and not sure which way to go. Started out with China (I felt a strong longing to adopt from there) but withdrew because the wait time had gotten so long. Then got on a list domestically, but that hasn't seemed to work out yet. Now we are considering Ethiopia. You seem like someone who knows a lot and has a heart for adoption so I will follow and if you have any words of wisdom I would love to hear them. :) All the best and nice to "meet you"!

Kristina said...

I do not know how to explain away the hurt, but I do know that everyone will experience great pain in their lives. I think that Georgia's pain came early - but that the love her family gives her eases that hurt away each and every day.

The depth and passion of your love for your children brings me to tears, and reminds me of my own love for my daughter. Thank you for sharing.

7th heaven:4Chinadolls1gentleboy said...

I think in time all the love and guidance will fill up that void b/c there will be so much more of that...that with God's help the emptiness will only be a distant, very distant memory.
What beautiful blessed children to have parents with so much wisdom, understanding and LOVE.

Tara Anderson said...

Asking God to take our child's emptiness and fill it up is one of the most important requests a parent can ever send to the throne on behalf of their child...whether that child is adopted, or biological. It doesn't sound strange at all. :)

Renee said...

What a beautiful prayer for her heart to be filled by our heavenly Father's love and healing touch. You know it is not only our little ones we can pray this for, but our adult children who may have a "hole" in their hearts too. We can all use a healing touch!
What a precious gift you are giving your little ones.....and all of us who are sharing in your journey.

Vicki said...

First, let me say that I discovered your blog a few weeks ago and I truly look forward to each post! Regarding your rough night - you've described some our nights perfectly. We adopted from China 6 months ago and our daughter will be 5 this Saturday. Overall, her adjustment has been amazingly smooth, but her fears and anxieties surface at night. Add to the situation the fact that our daughter is profoundly deaf and learning sign language for the first time. Not only can she not verbalize her emotions, for now I have no way to explain that this is "forever" and that nothing will ever change that. Just like you, when I pray it's as if I can see the void in her heart. How beautiful is the Holy Spirit, that He gives us such insight and that we can rely on Him to convey our love for our children! Praying that today you find rest in Him.

The Richerts said...

What you shared rings so true -- especially as I lay in bed with my little wonder right here next to me (since 5:30 am). It can be exhausting to hold and carry a 23 pound toddler most of the day. Not to mention what doesn't get done around the house!
I once heard our emotional lives described as a bucket inside of us. Hurt and pain put holes in that bucket. I am quite certain that loving on my sweet baby and meeting her needs quickly can patch some of those holes. But the only one that can fill and mend them completely is the Creator of heaven and earth. The One that knit her together and gives each of us breath. It is my daily prayer for my adopted princess and it is my prayer for all the children that I have met (in person and online) during this journey.
God bless you and give you added strength on days when the nights have been rough!

Leslie said...

Hi, I'm stopping over from the UBP 2010. What a lovely blog! I look forward to reading more!

Blessings, Leslie

Ellie said...

so sweet. you have a way with words. thank you for expressing so well the sadness I have also felt for my two little ones who had noone (that I am aware of) during their first years of life.


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