She was adamantly saying, "Mama, Mama, Mama!!!" to get my attention. When I went over she pointed to the picture. So I explained that these were babies in China waiting for their Mamas and Daddies. She then pointed to the nannies and looked up at me with big questioning eyes. I told her they were nannies who loved and took care of the babies. I gave her a big hug and told her that she was home now with Mama and Daddy and that we loved her so much. She seemed satisfied and I went back to finishing up at the gas pump.
When I was done, I went to close her door. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and she was shaking. She said, "Babies scared Mama...scared". I held her tight not knowing exactly what to say, praying that God would speak to her heart.
The next thing she said..."Jesus, Mama pray Jesus" So I held my little girl who not so long ago was one that was waiting and we prayed.
Oh how these places leave me aching to protect her, wishing that her beginning could have been different. I don't honestly know what to do with the things that she said. For the last few nights I have found myself pondering and praying as I try to sleep. I hate the idea of her being so tiny, alone and afraid but I also do not want to dismiss that time and all it held. I wish that I could see and know all that was her world. I wish that I could help put words to the things that she remembers. I wish that I could have been her Mama from the very beginning, to shelter her and protect her from being scared or alone. But I could not and the facts do not change so I look to the One who was there and who did look after her, and I pray that the Lord will meet both of us with His compassion in these dark confusing places.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4