For some reason all I can do is cry tonight. We do not have any news to report, I guess it is more the fact that we still do not have any that has just weighed so heavy on my heart today. I waited and waited all day to hear from the cardiologist, she said that she would call but then this evening emailed to explain that she is the one who is 'on duty' to take care of the inpatient kids today. I totally get that the inpatient kids are WAY more important than what is going on with Georgia and that is where her focus needs to be. I think I just hit a wall today. The waiting feels to hard, the worrying too heavy, the panic every time Georgia is quiet in the next room while playing, the worry when I go to wake her up. it all feels so big on my shoulders today. Add to that the fact that Doug is working almost around the clock up in Seattle so we only really get to talk when he steps out for a quick potty break...and I just don't feel strong enough at all.
I am leaning hard on this promise:
“…that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your heart enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you…”
Trusting that somehow through this I will know the hope that He calls me to. I have seen glimmers of it, started to try to look up every verse on "tomorrow", "Eternity" and "Heaven" but tonight I am just too weary.
The thing that has kept me going and laughing in the midst of the tears today is Miss Georgia...
Who is smart as a whip and when she sees me worried she tries to make the "worry wrinkles" that she sees on my face, like this
Tonight, I was looking through our cds to try and find something that might help and I came across one that I had not heard in forever. There used to be a local Seattle band called Late Tuesday. They were an amazing group of incredibly talented women. They would come down to the shelter where I worked and do free concerts. I used to play one of their songs each week at the end of a class that I had the honor of facilitating for some of the women who had suffered abuse. The song is called 'Home' and I wish I could find a way to play the actual song here, it is so very gentle and beautiful. It is a song of the Lord speaking to all of us children that He loves so dearly. I have had it on repeat ever since finding it again. For a long time this afternoon, Georgia curled up in my lap and I sang it to her over and over again.
The lyrics are:
Little one, why are you crying?
Let me take you in my arms and hold you for a while
Baby, I give my hand for you to hold
Be sure of my embrace, I’ll never let you go
Forever, with all my heart
Child of mine, I’ll sing you a sweet lullaby
There is sanctuary here, sleep gently in my arms
Darling, come to my shelter
Hide your face in me, find care in my embrace
So, again, we look to tomorrow and hope for news but make sure that our feet are firmly planted where True Hope comes from.