It is only 7pm here and I am ready to crawl in bed with the covers over my head. Today has been so incredibly exhausting on so many levels...but God has not left me. It was grandparents day at Ravenna and Parker's school. Both sets of grandparents are out of town so I went as their 'special friend'...well Georgia and I went because I didn't want to burden her class with the craziness of the monitor without me (I teach at her preschool). All went well with just one little glitch. Georgia had woken up with a swollen eyelid, probably from a bug bite or something. So I gave her a little Benadryl and she became a total wild child! Yep, begging from the back row of the auditorium to go on stage and sing, running up and down the hallways, writhing in my arms, hiding under the table in Parker's classroom while also yelling, "I hungry!" over and over again.
When we left Georgia promptly feel asleep. We had a few hours until we needed to pick the bigger kids up so I drove and drove and prayed and prayed. I cried my eyes out. I spent most of the drive talking with God about how it has felt like storm after storm for almost a year now, that I just want Doug home and Georgia well. I wept over all of the kids that I have heard about who are waiting and waiting for families, for the faces of those I do not even know who are laying somewhere right now alone and not knowing how incredibly valued they are. It all just felt like too much.
In the midst of it, while driving past field after field dusted with snow and surrounded with trees flaming out their final beauty of fall, I kept hearing the Lord whisper the same word...eternity...
Honestly, I did not want to hear. I even spoke out loud, "Lord, I know that everything will be perfect in eternity but Lord it feels so dark now." I looked back at Georgia's chubby cheeked beauty as she snored and it just felt like too much that she could be taken from us. Finally, as we drove back down from the mountain I asked God to show me, give me a glimpse of eternity of what was better. I just needed that glimpse today.
I picked up the kids and we ran to the store deciding to get stuff to decorate the Christmas tree tomorrow (we use a charlie brown tree out of our back yard each year ) and started on our way home. During the time we were in the store Georgia had 4 episodes (6 total today). During 2 of them she looked at me solemnly and said, "Push the button Mama" before she showed any signs of one coming on. They shook me to the core. I hate the idea of her feeling anything uncomfortable or any fear. Knowing that she knows makes it all the more real to me.
As we began driving Parker piped up, "Mama, I want to hear the No More Sorrow, No More Pain song!" He has this astonishing love for really lyrically deep songs (usually about heaven) and has since he was a tiny baby and could just use sign language for 'more' to show his choices. He also makes up his own names for songs that correspond to his favorite lyrics in the song. So I scanned and scanned my cds for the whole 30 minutes drive listening to partial song after partial song trying to find "No More Sorrow NO More Pain."
We finally found it just as we were coming in to our home town...it is Chris Tomlin's 'I Will Rise'. Tears immediately flooded down my face as the kids pumped their arms in the air yelling "Yes! Yes! This is it!" I listened to this over and over when in the hospital with Georgia during her open heart surgery. They all sang along at the top of their precious lungs giggling and cheering. Remember how I asked for a glimpse of eternity? Here are the lyrics:
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, it is well
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, No More pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God fall on my knees
and rise, I will rise
There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
As the kids begged for the song a second time I hit repeat and looked back to see Georgia drenched in sweat having a major episode...and the clash of the two things somehow made some sense.
I called the Cardiologist after these episodes. He had not seen them yet but said that once he did he felt lie he could make a definitive call on whether her episodes are Cardiac in nature or if she may be having seizures...
This weary Mama thanks you for your prayers tonight...
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.