We Get Too.....

We are getting so very close to our sweet boy...

      I watch the leaves swirling down from the sky and feel my emotions just as numerous dancing through my heart.

      Some moments feel like it is almost Christmas...anticipation leaping with joy, some akin to being clipped into a roller coaster climbing slowly to the top, and yet others want to grasp like the last days of summer to the life that is, the life about to change. As each day unfolds beautifully closer, I find myself reflecting on the journey so far.

      One thing keeps resounding in my heart, a treasure glowing that I never want to forget.... 

              We get to do this.

      This wait, this agony, this surrender...we get to this. It is Holy ground. Each adoption, each wait to open a gift so undeserved looks very different. This has been a journey of being laid bare. If I look backwards, even examine today, the picture I see is one of laying prostrate before the Lord. Bare heart begging surrender. Waiting undoes me, I try to control, try to predict, get angry with God when he provides something different than what I ask...and find myself so humbled by my frail humanity, how poorly I wait...

      But when I look again, I see something wholly different. Yes there is surrender but right there so close that is almost hidden there is a breaking. Breaking away of my plans, breaking away of how I think things should go, breaking of the fear of the unknown, breaking that addiction to control....

      What surfaces is the treasure...the stillness. Hands open easily after seeing the depth of my darkness, beautiful surrender. Lord break my heart for what breaks yours. Lord you truly know what is best. No matter what, no matter the depth of the chasm of unknowns we are about to face...Lord you are the author of it. This is Your story to unfold and it is nothing but a gift to us. Lord, let me be undone, re-write my very soul because out of this humility Your beauty is the only thing that shines.

      We get to do this. We get to have our hearts laid open, irreparably changed by the Creator. How many times in life do we get that honor, to stand in a place with so little control amidst a society addicted to it? To willingly step into a journey that we have no power to write? A journey that will change the very fabric of who we are, how we live, our entire family life. A step where we absolutely must allow ourselves to be carried by God and those around us? 

      I will say it again, We get to do this.

      This is not a rescue mission, not a way to pat ourselves on the back, not something hip or a way to please others. It is a step built on faith and surrender taken with shaky legged faith. From here, facing the fears of our son's health, his attachment, personality, leaving our other kids and so much more...facing a chasm on unknowns, I can tell you He is worthy.

      It is a beautiful place, this surrender. There is pain, there is peace, there is such freedom in, "Abba carry me." Because He does...each and every time so closely whispering "courage dear heart, look at Me"

 We Get to Do This....

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16