Hands and house

Hands and house

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

That Broken Cup...

      Sometimes things sail along so beautifully around here that I forget. There are so many hugs, and giggles and unbelievably beautiful moments that I forget...and there are those that would say that I should just forget, let the past be the past, focus on the here and now.

Our beautiful girl...

      But today it is harder. During a very innocent time of playing, Ravenna jumped up quickly and hit her head on the corner of a cabinet door. It was a good clunk but no blood, no bump, just enough contact to smart for a minute or two and then move on. Moving on is not what happened.

    First she screamed, then melted in a puddle of tears but would push and hit and kick  me if I tried to comfort her. Yet if I shifted even the tiniest bit she screamed, "I want you, don't go away!" So I sat, for 15 minutes, next to her talking gently and quietly, telling her I loved her and was so sorry that she hit her head, trying to say anything that I could think of to be validating. And she sat next to me wailing and sobbing her eyes out.

     There is a Dave Wilcox song called "Break in the Cup" that has been in my head for the rest of the evening. Some of the lyrics go like this:
"I try so hard to please you

To be the love that fills you up

I try to pour on sweet affection,

But I think you got a broken cup.

Because you can't believe I love you

I try to tell you that there is no doubt,

But as soon as I fill you with all I've got

That little break will let it run right out."

     There are times like tonight where my heart feels like it is breaking because of the break in my little girl's cup. More than anything, I want to be enough. I want my Mama love to pour into every nook and cranny of her being filling it with worth and confidence...taking away the abandonment, erasing it really and leaving only my love.

     After about 15 minutes, she would let me gently rub her arm. I prayed like crazy that God would show me what to do, not wanting to push to much and have her break down into kicking and hitting again. All the while her wails filled the room.

      In a bit, I could rub her back...then she finally made eye contact and said, "I want you to hold me." She curled her big six year old body into my lap as if she was an infant, on her back, head in the crook of my elbow, eyes gazing into mine. Just like when we first met, just like I held Parker as a newborn. She begged for me to stand up and rock her like that "For a long, long time". I had to explain that my body could not do that but I would love to sit and hold her. For at least ten more minutes she laid there in that infantile pose staring up into my eyes. I brushed her hair and rocked her and told her over and over again how much I love her. She silently seemed to just soak it in.

     There are moments like this that are just so intense. I don't feel like I can totally put them in to words. It is like my love, all of it, as much as I can give, is a trickle being poured into a dry, dry place. I don't know how long she would have stayed there, the timer for dinner went off and I had to get up even though she begged me to stay. By the time I came back she was giggling with her brother, didn't want to cuddle and has been as happy as can be ever since.

   My prayer is that the Lord will take my love, my seemingly small trickle in the face of tremendous hidden need and that He would somehow multiply it. I know that her cup is not mine to totally fill, I know that is not my job.  I also know that we ALL have broken cups that all look so different from one another. So my other prayer is that she would learn to turn and rely on the One who can fully see, fully know and fully fill that beautiful, precious, priceless beyond words cup.

    Oh how I love this little girl...there is a big part of me that wishes I could rewind, could go back and be there from the very beginning so that my daughter could not have to feel this pain. But, for whatever reason, that is not how her story is written. So, when she let's me, I will take her hand and journey with her now into those wild places that only One can truly see.


Wendy said...

I totally relate to what you are saying. My Abigail is 5 and she, very rarely now, goes to that place when she is hurt...its so difficult to experience and to see. I'm so thankful its few and far between now, but know its always just under the surface. The hurt they must feel...sigh* Thanks for sharing...

wendy in OH

Cheri said...

Oh Shannon, I could totally visualize the whole thing. I'm glad that she let you hold & rock her. What a sweet moment for the both of you.

Sharon Ankerich said...

Thank you for sharing this precious moment between you and your sweet daughter! I am so thankful she has you and God allowed you to know what to do and say. He is amazing to lead us in His will. I hope if this ever happens between me and EK, I will be able to handle it as well as you. I feel your heart!

stephanie said...

How lucky she is to have you as a mom! After reading this I immediately could see Ravenna as a mom. She knows both sides. To be without and to be abundantly blessed.
Because of you and your family loving her so very much, what a wonderful and loving mom and person she will be.

The Brown Family said...

I am learning the importance of these moments. And you are such a great mom to realize exactly what she needs! And to rely on the Lord for direction.

I believe with His help we are the best experts to put the pieces of the puzzle together for our kids.


Tara Anderson said...

What a precious moment between you and Ravenna. Even now my kids (ages almost, 5 and almost 4) want me to rock them like I did when they were little. There are no words to describe how precious that is...I'm glad you got to have it!

Wife of the Pres. said...

Shannon, Precious Ravenna. Bless her heart. Thank you for sharing.

S has these moments on a regular basis but she is letting me more and more in. Just within the last month (home 18 months) has she said "I Love You Mommy" to me BEFORE I say it to her, just out of the blue.

It has been a long process but oh so worth it.

Again, Shannon, thank you for sharing and you handled that so well.

Cherise said...

I have to tell you that I LOVE your daughter's name. Our last name is Ravenna...how neat is that? We are getting ready to travel to get our little girl (hopefully) next month. We are waiting for that CA.....

Cherise Ravenna


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