Our beautiful girl...
But today it is harder. During a very innocent time of playing, Ravenna jumped up quickly and hit her head on the corner of a cabinet door. It was a good clunk but no blood, no bump, just enough contact to smart for a minute or two and then move on. Moving on is not what happened.
First she screamed, then melted in a puddle of tears but would push and hit and kick me if I tried to comfort her. Yet if I shifted even the tiniest bit she screamed, "I want you, don't go away!" So I sat, for 15 minutes, next to her talking gently and quietly, telling her I loved her and was so sorry that she hit her head, trying to say anything that I could think of to be validating. And she sat next to me wailing and sobbing her eyes out.
There is a Dave Wilcox song called "Break in the Cup" that has been in my head for the rest of the evening. Some of the lyrics go like this:
"I try so hard to please you
To be the love that fills you up
I try to pour on sweet affection,
But I think you got a broken cup.
Because you can't believe I love you
I try to tell you that there is no doubt,
But as soon as I fill you with all I've got
That little break will let it run right out."
There are times like tonight where my heart feels like it is breaking because of the break in my little girl's cup. More than anything, I want to be enough. I want my Mama love to pour into every nook and cranny of her being filling it with worth and confidence...taking away the abandonment, erasing it really and leaving only my love.
After about 15 minutes, she would let me gently rub her arm. I prayed like crazy that God would show me what to do, not wanting to push to much and have her break down into kicking and hitting again. All the while her wails filled the room.
In a bit, I could rub her back...then she finally made eye contact and said, "I want you to hold me." She curled her big six year old body into my lap as if she was an infant, on her back, head in the crook of my elbow, eyes gazing into mine. Just like when we first met, just like I held Parker as a newborn. She begged for me to stand up and rock her like that "For a long, long time". I had to explain that my body could not do that but I would love to sit and hold her. For at least ten more minutes she laid there in that infantile pose staring up into my eyes. I brushed her hair and rocked her and told her over and over again how much I love her. She silently seemed to just soak it in.
There are moments like this that are just so intense. I don't feel like I can totally put them in to words. It is like my love, all of it, as much as I can give, is a trickle being poured into a dry, dry place. I don't know how long she would have stayed there, the timer for dinner went off and I had to get up even though she begged me to stay. By the time I came back she was giggling with her brother, didn't want to cuddle and has been as happy as can be ever since.
My prayer is that the Lord will take my love, my seemingly small trickle in the face of tremendous hidden need and that He would somehow multiply it. I know that her cup is not mine to totally fill, I know that is not my job. I also know that we ALL have broken cups that all look so different from one another. So my other prayer is that she would learn to turn and rely on the One who can fully see, fully know and fully fill that beautiful, precious, priceless beyond words cup.
Oh how I love this little girl...there is a big part of me that wishes I could rewind, could go back and be there from the very beginning so that my daughter could not have to feel this pain. But, for whatever reason, that is not how her story is written. So, when she let's me, I will take her hand and journey with her now into those wild places that only One can truly see.