Today has been hard, really hard. I have felt like I am swimming in a sea of panic and it is so easy to slip below the surface into fear. At times it feels like I am breathing in that briny water of panic which is not really breathing at all.
We talked to the Cardiologist today to try to find out some more information. She is amazing, so incredibly bright and compassionate. She is a mother of little kids and truly gets how scary some of the terms that are being thrown out can be. With that said, she could not take any of the possibilities off the table and the ones that are the darkest are definite worries that are kindof at the forfront right now. Something is definitely going on with Georgia but we do not know exactly what it is. Going to the hospital at this point would not help because any tests they could run would not show what is going on. The best bet is literally little old me with this special event monitor watching Georgia like a hawk (like I would be doing anything else at this point) and getting her all strapped up when she has one. Then the results will be zapped to someone up at Children's and they will tell us what to do.
So today I have found myself pulled between a few different 'places.' One is falling apart into complete panic which makes me want to curl up in a ball under the covers, another is trying to learn everything about the 'what-ifs' in hopes of somehow becoming ok with them but honestly there is just no way to become ok with anything we have heard. Then, I look at our little girl, get absorbed in her megawatt smile, fill my ears with her bellylaugh and get overwhelmed with grief at some of those possibilities. It is an overwhelming mixture of joy and fear, how can those intermingle to the point where it is hard to tell one from the other. I just want to memorize her, every curve of her cheek, glint in her eyes, sound of her sweet gravelly voice.
Tonight Doug brought home dinner and drove us out to the mountains (we live very close to them) and we had a picnic by a creek surrounded by trees all yellow and orange with Fall. As I sat there looking up to the sky, I found myself begging God again. To hold her heart again, to sustain it again, to carry us again. As I looked up at those frail leaves about to fall, this is what I heard the Lord whisper to my heart
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Truthfully all of the other places that I have swung to today have left tired and scared. I have to look at them, need to dabble in them but they are not where we are supposed to reside. I the midst of the storm, the fear, the uncertainty our eyes are supposed to be fixed on Jesus. It is the ONLY way that I can put one foot infront of the other in this thing, the ONLY way that I have hope of making it through this part of the race. I cannot grieve enough to come to peace with it, I cannot learn enough to put the fears aside and I cannot soak up enough of Georgia to ever make it enough. The only for sure constant is the Lord who promises these things (along with some pictures I took today):
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God's unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in good time for every need.
(She spent a good portion of the morning walking around the house like this!)
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior
She thought this was about the funniest thing in the world!
The mountains melt like wax before the Lord,
before the Lord of all the earth.
The heavens proclaim His righteousness,
and all the people see His glory.
Psalm 97: 5-6
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen
those whose hearts are fully committed to him
2 Chronicles 16:9
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Would you mind continuing to pray for:
* Georgia's heart to remain stable
* For the monitor to get here quickly and for us to have an episode to record quickly so that we can figure out what is going on. Doug has to leave town for 2 weeks on Tuesday so I would love to have this happen before I am a solo mama for awhile.
* For peace in our hearts, our household and our children that they will be able to understand a little about the monitor without being afraid.
* For our hearts and eyes to be fixed on God's promises and not on fear...
How in the world can I thank you all enough? Thank you so much for walking alongside us once again...