Oh the broken places....

     Sometimes it happens without me really noticing what is going on...the grasping, the need, the desperate need to be reminded that she is loved. My sweet child, who has known brokeness, abandoment and pain clinging to my leg, trying to climb up me, on top of me when my attention is on something or someone else. Raising her voice, making a scene, grabbing at things...I used to think it was just impulsiveness, a childlike need to be the center, but then I began to see something else.

    At the end of the day, falling into bed sometimes so weary from being needed literally almost every second of the day, I began to ask God to show me her heart, to help me to see. So many things have began to slowly rise into focus. Her need comes when there is change, a little seed of uncertanity brings about a huge rush of grasping from my child. It is like their is some sort of fear and desperation there....a grabbing because the ground all of a sudden does not feel so predictable and stable. And the Lord began to whisper, "speak trust to the fear..."

    So I tried it as the grasping began again. Getting down on one knee, my face to hers, "Honey, I love you, do you trust me to get you what you need?"... "Sweetie, you are so special to me, do you trust that I will get what is best for you?"... "My precious girl, you mean the world to me, do you trust that I will be right there?"

     ... and I never guessed what would happen next. At first it was a simple looking into my eyes and nodding before I got her what she needed. Then, it was a gentle lean, her body next to mine and I would wrap my arms around her just holding her close for a second. Again, an uninitiated hug growing to arms woven tightly around me. What I never could have expected was the healing, like the sweet warm air of Spring breathing into a place where darkness had reigned. Now, many times, she leaps into my arms as soon as I say, "Do you trust me?" as well as some vulnerable tears as she lays her head on my chest.

      ...and it goes on, this sweetness and contentment growing in my little girl, I see it as she plays with her sister speaking gently showing her the way. I see it as she does little things for me without asking, spending a moment or two by herself in my room to decorate my pillows with her stuffed animals that she loves, sweeping the floor, getting things for her siblings. Her little heart beginning to pour out contented little bits of love.

     As I sat yesterday with the Lord, worried and stirred up over my fears and needs straining against waiting for things that I desperately want to see Him do, grasping at all the wrong things to bring me comfort...He began to whisper, "I love you, do you trust me?"... "You are precious to me, do you trust that I have your best in mind?"... "I am crazy about you, do you trust that I will bring the stirrings of your to fruition for what is best for you at the right time?"

     ...and slowly, I began to look up, to take a little peek at what He was saying. He loves me, do I trust Him? He has never let me down, do I trust Him to come through now? I am precious to Him, do I trust that He directs my steps? He loves me, do I trust Him with the broken places in my own heart that cry out so?

       And there I sat, tears falling as I poured out my heart to the One who loves me so....

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

 in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

 

My days have passed, my plans are shattered.

Yet the desires of my heart

 turn night into day;

in the face of the darkness light is near.

Job 17:11-12

 

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

Psalm 62:5