I went for a hike yesterday and feel like I learned so much. I went to my favorite spot to sort things out when I am frustrated. It is a giant rock, one mile up and one mile back, sometimes it feels like it is almost straight up! It is good for the soul and God has met me there so many times.
I headed out feet like lead weighed down by the burdens of my worries about the girls. The Cardiologist had not called back, Ravenna was too sick to do her next blood draw and it all just felt like too much. I honestly felt angry. Angry that there are not answers. Angry that a Cardiac child can stop in the middle of running and clutch her chest and somehow it is not an emergency. Frustrated that a lab can mistest twice on a child who they know is traumatized...it was not all logical but I felt so overpowered.
As I started to move my feet up the trail I began to talk out loud to God. My black mood influenced even my prayers as I asked, "God how can you even say that we can soar like eagles? Life is so hard sometimes that I can hardly lift my feet. Why would you say that we could soar? Do you really understand?" It went on and on like this for the whole mile up, it was pretty pathetic, my pouting and stomping up the trail.
This is actually looking back down the trail
I got to the top and found I was all by myself right as the sun was starting to go behind the the mountain peaks. Still with a heavy heart I looked out at the view...and as I stared I saw one after another, tiny, free little birds riding the currents in what looked like delight.
" So Lord, how do I soar? My burdens are so heavy and I cannot leave them behind. I cannot act like they are not there." and again it came, the whisper, " Where are your burdens supposed to be?" ouch. Maybe, when they are in the right hands, on the right shoulders, with the One who asks for them, they are not supposed to be on mine as well. Maybe in order to learn to soar, I need to learn to surrender. And there I stand watching the birds, feeling my worries like boulders, yearning with everything in me to be free to take that leap to trust the One I cannot see into places so much better than I can imagine.
As I turned down the trail racing the sun to my car I again heard the whisper, "Surrender my child." So I began again on this familiar trail to talk out loud to God." God show me what I need to lay down, show me where I am not trusting You?" One after another like pebbles in a stream they came, "Lord I give you my fear.", "Fear of what my child?" " My fear of losing Georgia, and that there might be something more I could have done, I surrender it to you. I choose today to trust that Your timing is perfect God. You have numbered her days and no one else. You guide my path and will show me how to advocate for her." "What else Lord?" "My child your fear of your children being injured by what they are walking through." Oh Lord, that is so on my heart. Lord I surrender control of my children's lives. I choose to trust You with them. I claim them as wholly Yours. You are the author of their story, You created, love and care for their hearts. I give you their precious lives." "What else my Lord?" "My child your fear that the other shoe will drop." "Lord, my heart yes. I am so very scared that more hard things will happen. There have been so many lately. Lord, what if there are more? I will choose to trust that You promise good things for me. You promise that You will work things out for the delight of my heart and for Your glory. I give You my life once more for You to write. I claim once again that You know so much better than I with my trembling knees and fearful heart, You know what is best." and down the trail we went...As we got near the bottom I realized that my heart was light and singing, literally singing out loud as I bounced down the trail. I noticed colors and smells and flowers that I did not even see as I went up. My burdens one by one were held by the One who never fails and even though nothing in my circumstances had changed everything had in my soul as I felt like I could soar.
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens.
I removed the burden from their shoulders;
their hands were set free from the basket.
In your distress you called and I rescued you,
I answered you out of a thundercloud
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.
1 John 5:3-4