Hands and house

Hands and house

Friday, May 6, 2011

What it is like...or how I am learning about burdens

     Well, not alot has changed in the last few days and yet again so much has. The flu is running rampant through our house and Ravenna keeps dramatically exclaiming, "I'm dying, I know I'm dying!" Although today she had the energy to go for ice cream and get her nails done (for the first time ever) between bouts of dying! It is fun for sure :)
    I went for a hike yesterday and feel like I learned so much. I went to my favorite spot to sort things out when I am frustrated. It is a giant rock, one mile up and one mile back, sometimes it feels like it is almost straight up! It is good for the soul and God has met me there so many times.

   I headed out feet like lead weighed down by the burdens of my worries about the girls. The Cardiologist had not called back, Ravenna was too sick to do her next blood draw and it all just felt like too much. I honestly felt angry. Angry that there are not answers. Angry that a Cardiac child can stop in the middle of running and clutch her chest and somehow it is not an emergency. Frustrated that a lab can mistest twice on a child who they know is traumatized...it was not all logical but I felt so overpowered.
   As I started to move my feet up the trail I began to talk out loud to God. My black mood influenced even my prayers as I asked, "God how can you even say that we can soar like eagles? Life is so hard sometimes that I can hardly lift my feet. Why would you say that we could soar? Do you really understand?" It went on and on like this for the whole mile up, it was pretty pathetic, my pouting and stomping up the trail.

This is actually looking back down the trail

   I got to the top and found I was all by myself right as the sun was starting to go behind the the mountain peaks. Still with a heavy heart I looked out at the view...and as I stared I saw one after another, tiny, free little birds riding the currents in what looked like delight.

    I stood there saying, "Lord, I do not understand." and then in a quiet whisper to my soul I heard, " They carry no burdens." Unencumbered. They soar. They flit and fly up and down riding the unseen currents. Unseen and yet felt, so very real. So real that they would spread their bodies as wide as possible and launch out with full trust as if everything within them yearns for the leap.

    " So Lord, how do I soar? My burdens are so heavy and I cannot leave them behind. I cannot act like they are not there." and again it came, the whisper, " Where are your burdens supposed to be?" ouch. Maybe, when they are in the right hands, on the right shoulders, with the One who asks for them, they are not supposed to be on mine as well. Maybe in order to learn to soar, I need to learn to surrender. And there I stand watching the birds, feeling my worries like boulders, yearning with everything in me to be free to take that leap to trust the One I cannot see into places so much better than I can imagine.

       As I turned down the trail racing the sun to my car I again heard the whisper, "Surrender my child." So I began again on this familiar trail to talk out loud to God." God show me what I need to lay down, show me where I am not trusting You?" One after another like pebbles in a stream they came, "Lord I give you my fear.", "Fear of what my child?" " My fear of losing Georgia, and that there might be something more I could have done, I surrender it to you. I choose today to trust that Your timing is perfect God. You have numbered her days and no one else. You guide my path and will show me how to advocate for her." "What else Lord?" "My child your fear of your children being injured by what they are walking through." Oh Lord, that is so on my heart. Lord I surrender control of my children's lives. I choose to trust You with them. I claim them as wholly Yours. You are the author of their story, You created, love and care for their hearts. I give you their precious lives." "What else my Lord?" "My child your fear that the other shoe will drop." "Lord, my heart yes. I am so very scared that more hard things will happen. There have been so many lately. Lord, what if there are more? I will choose to trust that You promise good things for me. You promise that You will work things out for the delight of my heart and for Your glory. I give You my life once more for You to write. I claim once again that You know so much better than I with my trembling knees and fearful heart, You know what is best." and down the trail we went...
    As we got near the bottom I realized that my heart was light and singing, literally singing out loud as I bounced down the trail. I noticed colors and smells and flowers that I did not even see as I went up. My burdens one by one were held by the One who never fails and even though nothing in my circumstances had changed everything had in my soul as I felt like I could soar.

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint. 
Isaiah 40:31
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,

who daily bears our burdens.
Psalm 68:19
I removed the burden from their shoulders;

their hands were set free from the basket.

In your distress you called and I rescued you,

I answered you out of a thundercloud
Psalm 81:6-7
 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.
1 John 5:3-4


Susan A said...

Awesome post, I am so glad that the Lord has liften your burden :)

Your post reminds me of something similar that I was thinking a couple of weeks ago. I was over at my brother's place, housesitting and looking after their pets.

From their place I looked at the sky and noticed two things: swallows joyfully flying upon the breeze, flying on the thrills of the highs and lows of the winds. At the same time, far off in the distance beyond the swallows, I saw a plane flying steadily to its destination in a straight line, unaffected by the winds.

What made me think was that the plane and swallows end up at the same destination. The difference is that the plane is determined to chug through the course, defying the winds, going at a steady pace. The swallows, on the other hand, take joy and thrill of riding upon the winds and letting the wind lead them.

It made me think that one can pass through this life without joy, and the other can pass through this life acceptance with joy. Both arriving at the same destination (Christ).

Life is hard sometimes. All He asks is that we acknowledge Him and lean not on our understanding and to give thanks for every single thing (Proverbs 3:5,6 and 1 Thess 5:18).

P.S. I came across this cool video this morning, a 45 seconds wordless gospel, thought you might like it :)

Bob and Cheri said...

Hey Shannon,

You don't know this about me, but our oldest son was once considered a medically fragile child. He was born 13 weeks prematurely, weighing only 2 lbs. We've endured multiple life threatening respiratory crisis with him, and on three different occasions, have stared death in the face.

I can say without a doubt, that the only way I have survived without PTSD, is to spend time in gut-wrenching prayer, and to truly trust God with our son's life...and death. The day that I layed my son at the foot of the cross, and acknowledged that God loved him more than I do ~ was the day I took my first steps toward really being emotionally and spiritually healthy concerning my children. I know that battles you've faced - I know them well. I really think that trusting God with our children is one of the most difficult challenges that faces mothers of children with medical needs.

Praying for you and your beautiful Georgia.

Shonni said...

This is such a beautiful post!!! And I really needed it this morning!!! What beautiful Words from the LORD! And the pictures are so beautiful!!!

Renee said...

Your strength and openess to God's voice and leading continue to inspire me.. So often when I read your writings it is just what I need to hear and today was no exception. In fact I just read it outloud to my husband too. You are in my prayers along with your sweet girls. The journey you are on is challenging to say the least.

Gretchen said...

Hi friend,

Just catching up. Praying for you all. Found something the other day and it totally reminded me of you. I will be sending it to you, so keep a watch for it in the mail. Love you!

Sharon Ankerich said...

I LOVE that beautiful rock and such a symbol of our God!!! Thank you for sharing your heart and letting us hear God through you. I too have major fears~ mostly how we are going to get to China when there is NO extra money~ God has it all planned. So praying for you!!!

Alyson & Ford said...

You wrote wonderful words, which may not be my own, but have so much meaning for me too.

Alyzabeth's Mommy

Chrissie said...

I am in tears reading this post. I am feeling so heavy and burdened right now. We want so desperately to have a child and the weight of our losses and trying to remain hopeful is heavy on me. I don't think I realised how much until reading your words.
I want to throw my arms open, unburdened and unencumbered trusting God's perfect will. It can be so hard. Thank you for the reminder of the peace that is available to me when I get my heart in the right place and surrender to the One who love me fully.
Thank you, thank you!


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