But beyond that, I have been thinking on other things. On how much, with both girls I desire God to step in. For Him to step in with broad streaking brushstrokes to apply His glory for all to see. I find myself asking Him where He is, begging for tangible reminders, setting my own parameters for what those are..."Lord, can you tell this person something to encourage me, can you make this answer come today..." and absolutely sometimes He does that. Many times in my life God has blazed the heavens with answers that sear my heart with His glory.
This time has been different, I have found those desperate and specific prayers laying silent and Thursday night I found my ragged heart singing in worship again begging God to show me where He is. As I closed my eyes, tears dripping down my face I began to see...He showed me a picture first of Georgia and I, me kneeling, one hand on her heart, one hand on her cheek as she struggled, then a picture of me holding Ravenna in the doctors office part of the restraint team her sobbing and screaming into my arm just as she had that day. Then I saw the pictures again and in each the Lord's hands were there on each side so close holding us, tears dropping on His fingers.
And it has me thinking alot about Elijah. In 1 Kings 19 Elijah is fleeing for his life. Jezebel has vowed to kill him and he flees into the wilderness and is in a cave. The Lord comes to "chat" with him and this is what happens:
The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
1 Kings 19:11-13
So many times I seek God's glory in the big things, grand miracles, big "coincidences" bold healings. He is in ALL of these things maginficently...but sometimes in the desire for the sensational I miss the most amazing thing of all. Sometimes God wants to speak more intimately....sometimes I need to lean close and listen for His whipser. God came down to earth, he came here and gave everything to know my heart and walk with me through the joy and the pain, the grit of this life. He is right there my very present help in trouble. The very God who made every cloud, every mountain, every cell in my child's body...that very God was right there on Thursday helping to carry me through. He is right there for each of us when we take the time to pour our hearts out. He will never leave us or forsake us...never, we are never alone. And that is the most beautiful miracle of all.
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”