She continued to whine and cry but after awhile came out dressed and ready to go. that is when it happened. This happens every once in awhile and I had been praying lately about how to better handle it. She came up close, like a little shadow standing so close but not quite touching me, blankie wrapped around her head and said, "I want you." I reached out to fold her in a big hug and she dodged and pushed me away again saying, "I want you!"
We did this dance for a few minutes, her wanting me, me trying to hold her and being pushed away. As it usually does, tears began to form in her deep longing eyes. I asked, "Can you use your words to tell me what it means when you say I want you?" and the tears just kept falling. So we sat, eye to eye on the floor, still not touching. Silently I prayed for wisdom and a thought shot through my head. I was not sure, but it was worth a try. I said, "Honey, can I tell you something that is pretty common with kids who have had some sort of sad thing happen early in their life?" With eyes wide she nodded. So I continued, "Well...when your were just a few days old you lost your birthmama. You don't remember it but your heart does. Sometimes when people have lost someone their hearts can be afraid that they will lose other people that they love, do you feel that sometimes?" Wide eyes nodding....I continued, "Honey, this is really normal and sometimes people feel so afriad of being left by someone that they love that they want to push them away even though they really love them."
She then scootched across the gap between us and curled herself up in my lap just like a little baby. Staring eye to eye she again nodded and the tears came. She cried and cried in my arms as I kissed away her tears whispering over and over again, "I love you so much, I love you so much and I am your mama forever." my own tears also falling. Oh how my heart hurt. How I wanted to have all the answers, to know exactly what to say, to somehow take away the pain that bubbles up from so deep in my daughter's heart. In that moment I could not help of the woman who had held her oh so new and small, seeing her eyes open for the first time, hearing her first cries. The woman who risked so much when she laid her down...oh how I wished she could somehow be here now. And again I told Ravenna the story, her story, the beautiful markers that we do have from a woman so brave. The red hand embroidered clothing she was found, the little note....small tokens that spoke so much.
Soon Ravenna sat up and began to dance and twirl, seeming lighter than air in our living room. We got ready and headed to the restaurant to have lunch just she, Georgia and I. As we sat over burgers Georgia asked , "What is that green sticker on your phone?" You see I have a sticker that says, "World change is how I roll" stuck to my phone as a little reminder to myself. I told them that it reminds me that I care about the whole world and making it a better place.
That is when it happened. Quickly, in a very matter of fact way Ravenna said, "You do that for us Mama." and she smiled, hugged me and hopped down to play....and I sat there breathless with tears falling. Oh Lord I am so small and unwise and unworthy of a love so deep. And I sat, watching my girls play with such a thankful heart for the little bit of healing in that very deep place.
The mountains melt like wax before the LORD,
before the Lord of all the earth.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.