Sometimes it is just hard...

So many times I get on here to write...

 

My heart full and needing to process (which means writing) and yet I have no idea how to start.

 

Today is one of those days.

 

There are just so many heavy things on my heart.

 

 

 

It is starting to sink in that we have to hand Georgia over yet again...

 

I am so thankful that it is for a heart cath and not for open heart surgery,

 

but it still means someone putting a device in her fragile heart.

 

She still continues to struggle.

 

Her oxygen levels keep dipping and no one is sure why.

 

We are recording when we catch them on a heart monitor because it still seems like there is a rythm issue that is not PFO related.

 

Honestly, I am just so scared.

 

This time around I have sort of pushed the idea of surgery out of my mind,

 

dwelled in the warm fuzzy place of denial for as long as possible,

 

but this morning it is hitting me.

 

I don't want to hand my little girl over again.

 

I don't want to sit in that waiting room knowing that someone is entering her heart.

 

I hate that she struggles.

 

I hate that this morning she looked gray and had dark circles under her eyes.

 

That she wakes up saying, "Mama I don't think I've slept yet."

 

That I check on her in the middle of the night and she is drenched in sweat for no reason.

 

That she will be playing just fine and then slump down and need to rest.

 

I hate the fear that creeps in,

 

the 'what-ifs' that cannot be erased.

 

Everything in me wants to wrap my arms around her and be enough...

 

to somehow transport her to the worlds of 'normal' childhood,

 

where she would not just nod in understanding when I tell her she needs another echo, another heart monitor, another 'happy heart day.'

 

A world where she can run an play without limitations,

 

where if she wanted to she could sprint after boys, play tag, dream of being a sports star...

 

...instead of seeking quiet activities because she gets so worn out.

 

A world where when I ask her how preschool was she will not have to reply,

 

" Good! My friends prayed for me and for the new hole in my heart."

 

But...

 

that is not her story right now.

 

I do not know or understand why.

 

But...

 

I trust someday I will.

 

So today,

 

I choose to pour my heart out to the Lord,

 

to beg Him to come near,

 

to hold me...as He has in this fear and grief so many times before.

 

I will lift my eyes,

 

broken and scared,

 

I will go to the only One who can carry her, comfort her, heal her...

 

and me.

 

I know He is faithful...

 

even when I do not understand.

 

 

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now