We spent the last two days camping with dear friends, watching our kids run and literally cover themselves in dirt (seriously rolling in it, I kid you not) and mulling over what I am thinking & feeling right now...I do not have a lot of answers but do feel like I have some big ones to lean on.
I have no doubt at all that this little girl is the one that God has chosen before the beginning of time to be our daughter. The Lord has been so very clear over and over with very real confirmation that we are right where we are supposed to be...more so than at any other time in my life. This is the path that we are supposed to be on, the door that we are supposed to walk through and we will continue to do so with our eyes on the Lord as it is the path He set out for us before the beginning of time.
This path looks different than I expected, we were really hoping that the update we got from the orphanage would have said that Georgia had received the first surgery that she needs (fairly commonly done in China) and that the journey would be easier than we thought. I really and truly wanted that to be the case, to be able to lay my head on my pillow each night of that wait heading forward knowing that her body was getting most of the oxygen that it needed. I think right now I am grieving, for her that it will be longer until she feels relief, longer that she has to struggle and for what lies ahead because it is definitely not for the faint of heart and is littered with unknowns at this point. I have been asking myself how I am doing with this (yes, that sounds a bit psychotic and I am ok with that). At this point, what I can say is that we stand on the cusp of much unknown and many perils but that I can move forward. How can I do this? Because there is no way that I do it alone.
I want to share something that happened today. On our way home from camping, Doug turned on a sermon from our old pastor (thanks Josh!) and he was speaking on the first chapter of Joshua. There was a ton in that sermon that was very relevant to where we are now but I am still chewing on it and will probably write more later. Tonight I opened my Bible up again to re-read what Josh was talking about and realized this...
It is the same passage given to the team of four that I went to Romania with in 1993. We were chosen to go and spend the summer living in an orphanage. I was scared to death of going and honestly spent a large chunk of my time there weeping for the little ones that I came to love, for the loneliness in their lives, the care they were given (or weren't) and how little our team could do in the grand scheme of their pain. I coped by reading a passage given to us by the pastor before we left for Romania and guess what passage it was? Joshua 1.
Here is the part that the Lord wrote on my heart halfway around the world as I read and re-read it while grieving for those precious ones and what He again reminded me of today:
"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it...Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
And that is where I am at tonight...I know that God goes before us. I do not know the outcome of this journey, how Georgia is really doing, whether her health has deteriorated a lot or just a little, and may not know until we get there. Our wait at this point may be short or very, very long. But I do not wait alone. When I focus on the Lord and do not turn to the left or to the right, then I can take the next step. I have fears, very real fears and about a million questions that I would like to have answered right now but I know without a doubt that the Lord my God will be with us wherever (and whenever) we go...