Ok....so I am going to write this post while I am still chewing on my thoughts. I feel like God is bubbling some stuff up in me surrounding this whole journey. So far, ever since we heard that Georgia is struggling, I have felt like I was quivering in a corner like little Much Afraid from "Hinds Feet in High Places". It has felt like every time that I stand to walk I am buffeted by facts or possibilities about Georgia...things like "turning blue", "congestive heart failure", "stroke risk", "open heart surgery", "you need to meet with life flight"...so many things surrounding the picture of my sweet little girl....and so I have stayed cowering, protected in the corner.
But...that doesn't match the God that I know. The one who in the Book of Isaiah says,
"Even youths will faint and be weary,
and the young will fall exhausted;
but those who hope on the Lord shall renew their strength."
Today, while shuttling the kids around I kept having this word rattle around in my head and creep into my thoughts, the word was "Thrive". I have been focusing on just making it through everyday without losing my mind and jumping on a plane to go and search for my little girl, focusing on surviving this time and praying to make it as short as possible if not just to make it go away all together. If I could just hide until they place her in my arms, then maybe I would make it. If I could just hide in the Lord...but instead, He whispers, "Thrive".
I do not know what this means exactly at this point. It is a bit tough for me to process things with my two little chatter boxes literally talking through every second of the day (joyfully and wonderfully I might add). My thoughts tend to bounce around until I get some quiet space to think them through. Doug lovingly calls this thought constipation.
I do feel like there is one more piece that is clear to me. Ever since our first referral (we had to turn down two before we found Georgia, it was heartbreaking and a long story for another time), a verse has been central for me. It is in Matthew 17:14-20
I tell you, if you have faith like a mustard seed,
you will say to this mountain,
"Move from here to there,'
and it will be moved,
and nothing will be impossible for you.
I have felt so very aware of the fact that God is a God who can move mountains. From my little corner I have been begging Him to move the "mountains" in the Chinese adoption system to get us to Georgia. But today I am wondering if there is not a much bigger picture to all of this and many more mountains that the Lord wants to move along the way. Mountains towards Georgia, yes absolutely...but also mountains in others...and more importantly, mountains within me?
So tonight I write from my little corner like Much Afraid but my face is not buried into the wall but facing outwards. On my own I cannot, will not be able to move another inch. But I serve the God who is the mover of the mountains and tonight I think that I am beginning to understand that with Him, even through this most terrifying journey... He will lead me to Thrive.