I tried to talk with her, have the nurse explain what our Neurologist had said but she would not budge and off we went. So... I am learning what it looks like to feel thankful and frustrated all at the same time. It feels like we could have been so close to some answers and yet once again we stand in the unknown. I find that little things trigger big emotions.
This week Ravenna had a bowling field trip...which was a blast. She was having a great time until she dropped a bowling ball on her hand. Her ring finger began to swell up and she got really worried and she is not a kid who gets real worried about bumps and bruises. Panic welled up in me. What if she is not clotting and she is bleeding into her joint? I had read about joint bleeds and how quickly they can cause life-long damage to the tissue. So I calmly made an appointment (which was in a few hours)...and proceeded to feel so worried over a little not life threatening smooshed finger for hours. I prayed, read Scripture, talked to a friend who 'gets' having children with medical conditions...and still struggled with fear in the back of my throat. It was about so much more than just that darned smooshed finger, it was about all of the unknowns and just how long are we going to have to carry them and how in the world can I be strong enough to do that when I just want to scream, "I WANT ANSWERS!" ...and the most important answer is there, they are an absolute gift from God. Right now, answers or no answers. No one numbers their days but Him. No one knows their hearts, their blood, their every tiny detail like the One who created them. No one knows my heart, my fears, my worries, my "I hate this" as well as the One who made me and wants to help carry the burden every day.
...and just as I was beginning to really talk to God about this, my phone rang. It was the Hematology office, with the call we have been waiting on for months. They finally have a spot for Ravenna, about a month earlier than predicted. So July 21st we finally get to meet with the specialist and be on the path to some answers. There are no answers yet for either girl but I just keep hearing, "they are a gift" echoing through my heart and head. At first I had big plans to schedule out our summer with classes and scheduled stuff, now I just want to sit and love these amazing little gifts I get to call my children. Because no matter how many smooshed fingers and blue lips and wheezy breathes we might have, they are worth it all.
Children are a heritage from the LORD,
offspring a reward from him.
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
If you're still with me here...a friend sent me this song and it is now my favorite to go to!!!!!